Uncertain

It's back to one of those moments where I feel terribly inadequate; "not good enough" is not even good enough to describe it. I'm not even sure if I had tried too hard or if I had not even put in the effort to try at all. Sigh.

But I also just wanna take this moment to thank all of you kind souls who took the initiative to be a friend to me; to bother to get to know me; to talk to me, heart-to-heart or otherwise; to spend time with me; to help me when I'm in trouble; to bother to consider what's best for me. Basically just being a friend to me. Sometimes I take it for granted that there are actually people who care for me. And for most of the time I may not have reciprocated the kindness that you have bestowed upon me, I want to take this chance to thank you. Thank you for showing me that true friends do exist in this world, and for showing me that it is possible to befriend someone like me.

Because while I am thankful to those who are such dear and great friends to me, I'm thinking that I'm struggling at the other end: being a good friend to someone else. Sometimes I look back at the friendships that didn't work and thought if I was the one who failed as a friend. I know that there's always the personality differences or "just cannot click" factor but... well maybe I just expect too much out of things and think that everything can be worked out for the good. And on the other hand there's just that wave of inadequacy, where I have friends who are continually so nice (for the lack of a better word) to me but I don't reciprocate it as good to them as they are to me. I know this sounds so stupid and childish but I can't help it, the feeling, I mean. And this may sound even more stupid but sometimes all I can think of is "why are you guys so nice to me I don't even think I deserve it and I don't even know how to be nice to you guys like you are to me". 

Sigh what am I even saying. I just wish to be a better friend to... my friends.