derotseЯResplendence

It's 12:16 a.m. on a Friday morning and I'm snuggling under the warm comfort of my lovely blanket lying down on my (what I wish is a queen-sized) bed. So this will be the third night I'll be spending at home all alone. This clearly isn't the first time I've experienced it but up till now I'm still torn between concluding if this - having the entire house to myself - is a good or bad thing. But every time this happens I find myself spiraling deeper into my whirlwind of thoughts. I think more, I think deeper, I prayed more, I prayed deeper. And of course there's the daydreaming bit. Ah but whatever.

I think today (or yesterday) was one of the days where I feel truly homesick. It wasn't the casual "oh I miss Indo" thing, it was the "I really really miss Indo with all my heart" kind of thing. Funny how "homesick" is both appropriate and not; I've been living here for nearly a decade now but not yet holding the red passport. Even then I've never felt it so strongly till this morning while I was on the bus on my way to school. Like there was suddenly this longing to go back home to stay and live there, amid all the insane every day busyness. Then I started to wonder how it would be like for me to be living there if I hadn't been here; what I would study there, would I finally get to drive, who my friends will be, what my parents will be doing, how would I be like and all. Just pretty curious about how different I would be if I were there and if I were here, and making all sorts of baseless assumptions and wild guesses. I thought that if there were two Cindys, one living here and another living back home, and that if we would meet to chat and talk about our lives and all about ourselves, we would probably hate each other. Well fine maybe not to that extent but that's how ridiculously different I think we would be. I'm still grateful for being able to live a life here, but I really do miss home.

Kinda wish I could just drop everything and fly back now.

But who am I kidding right, the projects and workload are raining down upon me. How great. And I've yet to find my momentum and switch it back on after playing for so so long. It felt like the past (almost) 3 months were an extended holiday. Gotta peel myself off all the laziness.

And I've been eating out so often it's unhealthy. There have never been home-cooked food in weeks. Have I told you that I miss my dad's cooking? So craving for some of it right now.

Sigh.