Food for thought

Most of the time I really wish that I am as smart as what my friends perceive me to be, whether they meant it or not. Much as it may be just a passing remark, it kinda motivates me somehow. But even as one who has an inquisitive mind and always full of (sometimes nonsencical) questions, my level of revelation or intellect may not be manifested into its fullest potential. I am not just talking in academic terms, but about life in general. Why do I say this? I guess it has got a lot to do with my personality.

I wonder to myself - a lot. As in a great lot. When I study for my subjects, many questions just popped into my head. But most of the time, these questions will go unanswered. Why? Because I don't ask. I don't seek help. It's not because I am arrogant or thick-skinned or trying to be self-reliant, it's because I really hate disturbing others. Say I'm revising for a math test and I don't understand a question, I wouldn't pick up my cell to call a pal for assistance, cause I'm afraid that I would be interrupting their own revision. I don't like the idea of invading into others' activity or schedule; it kinda makes me feel like I'm the culprit. Am I the only one who's like this? It makes me feel dumb sometimes coz I know I have friends that I can call out to but I don't - just because of my mindset. I fear that this will hamper me in my learning, especially in life when I grow up.

On the other hand, I do have (some) friends who sought for my help in studies, and with all my heart I am honestly more than willing to assist them in any way I possibly can. It pleases me to know that i am worthy of being sought for; I find joy in helping people in general. But now that I see it, it seems unrequited: I help people but I dont seek help. Makes me feel annoyed at myself sometimes. Made me think as to why I am not bold enough to just open my mouth and just ask - without feeling guilty after.

This is probably one of the aspect of myself that I really detest. But it also reminds me of a quote from Dr Seuss "Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind." I am still trying to practice this new-found personal philosophy. Maybe one day I will find that boldness in me. I don't know but I really hope I will.